In Defence of the Comfort Zone

What if it's okay to be who you are?

Here's something I wish I'd learned a lot earlier. Pull up a chair and listen to Auntie Em - listen real good.

I think we are sold this idea that we're supposed to be constantly “improving” ourselves. Read the self help books. Work on your weaknesses. Get out of your comfort zone. Be better, be better, be better.

The problem is that there is no way to actually arrive at “better” - no final destination. So we're setting ourselves up for constant failure - for never being quite good enough.

I wonder, lately, if this is an insidiously capitalist mindset. To always be striving for something that is other than who and what and where we are. Not only because it “drives innovation” but because it keeps us dissatisfied, dejected, keen to buy another quick fix or band-aid, with no energy left for taking a step back and asking ourselves whether this whole thing is actually working for us (or against us).

I've been learning a lot about myself over the past few months - via labels I don't quite feel I have the right to claim yet, and yet which make SO much of my life and the way I experience it make more sense.

But the number one thing I've learned - the thing I want as many people as possible to hear - is that it's actually okay to radically accept yourself as you are. To work WITH they way you innately are, rather than against yourself. To figure out how to make things work for you, rather than trying desperately to mould yourself into something you're not, and kicking your own ass again and again when you just can't seem to make yourself fit. To give grace to your weaknesses without trying to change them. To lean into and cultivate your strengths. To pull up a chair, grab a blankie, and get real freaking cosy in your comfort zone.

What if it was okay to dwell inside your comfort? What if you didn't have to live a life of constant discomfort to prove your worthiness?

We live in a society that holds certain ways of being up as ideal. Being extroverted is the goal - introverts need to “get out of their shell” to make a place for themselves in the world. We should want a “career”, be working on goals, reaching milestones, achieving, buying, acquiring, improving.

There is very little value placed on the ability to be present. To just be here, with yourself, right now. In this moment, exactly as you are. Notice your breath for one cycle - in - out. Notice that right now in this moment, you are you and you are here. Contemplate my radical question - what if that were enough?

I'm not saying that you should never try things that scare you or feel unfamiliar. Sometimes the things we're most called to do can feel “uncomfortable” or scary - submitting that piece of writing, sharing your art, going to that new book club where you don't know anyone. Learning to discern whether that flutter in your belly is the thrill of trying something you secretly long for, or the dread of trying to force yourself into being someone you're not, can be a lifelong journey.

But my (perhaps controversial) opinion is that while you're figuring it out, maybe it's okay to prioritise your comfort for a while. Maybe it's okay to prove to your body and your soul that it is safe with you, that you're listening to it and caring for it and valuing its needs. Maybe stepping out onto the tightrope can wait until you've rolled around in the safety net for a while, proved to yourself that it's there.

When I was younger, I had this sense that I wasn't finished becoming myself yet - and that maybe one day, everything would just fall into place, and suddenly I'd fit perfectly into a world that felt like an ill-fitting coat. Maybe I'd just magically “figure it out” and then I'd be the person I thought I totally *could* be, with just a twist of some magic key to step into all the energy and effervescence and capability and social skills that would transform me into the person I was supposed to be.

When I turned 40, it hit me. Maybe this - right here, right now - is just who I am. As much as we should try to be the best version of ourselves - I had been trying to become a different self completely. An image of a potential self I held in my head. And maybe if after forty whole years, I was still a quirky and awkward introvert who's better at written words than spoken ones, sometimes too much and sometimes too little, a bit too honest and a lot too introspective, who needs an absolute shit-ton of sleep to be in any way functional, who needs a slower paced life than others seem to, who's easily overwhelmed, who does their best work at 11 pm, who'd rather spend Friday night tucked up with a book than perched on a barstool - well, then, maybe it's time to just let that be okay.

Realising this changes everything. It changes the jobs I might choose, the social choices I might make, it changes - and this one's huge - the amount of grace I'm able to give myself for all my foibles. Because I'm no longer trying to fit myself into what I think I'm supposed to be doing - I'm trying to make choices that fit me. Choices that actually work for me and with who I am.

I've realised that the bookstagram community is shifting - Instagram is not working as a community building or engagement app anymore, not the way it used to - still photos, thoughtful captions, no face necessary, the introvert’s dream. It's becoming more frantic, more fast paced, all about the algorithm and videos and keep up keep up keep up.

I thought about moving my efforts to Tiktok, but I have to accept that that is not sustainable for me. I will never be comfortable getting on camera regularly to an app with millions of users. But I still have a desire for self-expression, for community connection.

Armed with my new perspective, I decided there HAS to be a way to meet my needs and wants in a way that works FOR me and what I know to be true about myself.

So here I am writing a newsletter. No character or word limit. No need to put on my “social face” and present to camera, agonising over being perceived. I might look at enabling the chat room function on Substack at some point, maybe we can get some community vibes happening up in here. Maybe I'll just write into the breeze.

But I'll be doing it in a way that honours who I actually am, not tries to make myself something I'm not.

There's literally one reason why I was able to write and send this today, and that's because I wrote it on my phone. It's a little unorthodox, not the way I imagine a newsletter “should” be written, and that “should” has kept me frozen from using this platform for months. But writing it from my phone, without the mental block of opening my laptop, somehow makes me able to do it where I couldn't before. I don't know why, but I know it to be true. And this is what I mean, about the way this shift in perspective towards accepting the way I am and working with it rather than beating myself up about not doing it “the right way” opens up whole new doors of possibility for me.

I've decided the comfort zone gets a bad rap. What if you did something radical today, and prioritised your own comfort? What if you decided that you are worthy, exactly as you are, of a life that works for you? That feels good to you. That feels comfortable.

There's a poem I love called The Call by Oriah. The final words are:

Remember, there is one word you are here to say with your whole being.

When it finds you, give your life to it. Don’t be tight-lipped and stingy.

Spend yourself completely on the saying,

Be one word in this great love poem we are writing together.

Maybe - at least for now -

my word is comfort.

P.s. I might actually write about books next time 😂 I feel better after that brain dump though. If you made to it end, I'm impressed at your endurance and attention span.